Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Here's the Story......

I love my job, I was told I was born to do it. I got to lift heavy things which is good because I am "strong like ox" and got to do a lot of filing and had complete control over my days and what I did.

All that ended shortly after 8am on February 2 of 2011. I sat down in my office and checked in to work on my computer, when I began to hear a music box playing louder and louder I got confused, there was no music box. I felt my body stiffen my vision go and had no control as I threw my phone across the room. Coming to I began to tingle all over and became scared shitless. I have done a lot of scary dangerous things in my life and never felt like this before. I've clung to rocks at the end of a jetty while 15 foot waves crashed over head, been a pyrotechnician, got in bar fights for fun and jumped from moving cars. Nothing felt like what I was going through this morning. I think I called my wonderful boss Laura first and told her I needed to go to the ER and then called Diana my brilliant wife.

See here is where it all goes downhill I described what happened to the nurse, D,r whatever in the exam room and they all just looked exasperated like I was wasting their time and resources. They told me I had a syncope episode slapped me on the but and sent me on my way.

I went back to work a few days later and while driving to one of the facilities felt an attack coming on luckily I could pull over and get in the turn lane this time I completely blacked out and woke up with my right arm slamming into the passenger seat over and over uncontrollably.

Needless to say I have been out of work now for 4 months can't drive am not able to ride my bike or really even take walks as I can pass out and hurt myself.
I have sometimes as many a 6-7 episodes a day and if I go a few days without having an episode I become a monster and you better stay the fuck away from me.

This is just the newest problem though I have suffered since around 3rd grade with General Anxiety Disorder GAD best described as having that feeling you get when a cop turns on his lights and siren behind you and your stomach drops to your ass for no particular reason.

Panic attacks were a considerable part of my life and ruined my ability to be a good student and destroyed much of my life as a person. With GAD often comes Agoraphobia and I didn't like people anyway so I guess that was OK.

Parents and schools didn't understand this and just let me suffer, you are smarter than this we know you can do it BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.

Well anyway the panic attacks are few and far between but much worse when they do happen thanks to medication.

My parents got a divorce after somewhere around 50 years or so, who knows if they were ever even married and I got my dad who was a bilateral amputee due to diabetes. Of course he had cheated on my mom the whole time they were married and pretty much lied about everything. We found out way more than we should have about him after he died.

I went in to wake him up one morning after he had lived with us for 4 years or so and he was dead, I will never forget the contorted face that greeted me when we turned him over.

I thought I was doing fine then it all started; go to work come home take 2-3 Valium swallowed down with three fingers of scotch and pass out until I had to work again, rinse, and repeat. After months of this I was done I could not see going any further so I tried to have myself committed, they wouldn't take me (there ego take that) so home I went and took a few weeks off of work with the promise of seeing my doctor and a Psych eval. with enough meds and counselling I came through that mess and got better.

Somewhere through these times after, before, during, I had some surgeries to fix my nearly useless arms bi-lateral ulnar nerve entrapment releases and carpal tunnel releases.
Nobody seems to understand the whole I have no idea of time over the past few years and could not tell you when things happened.

My childhood was filled with pain as well I suffered from Severs(sp) Disease and spent time on crutches and could do nothing but walk flat footed from 4th grade through high school. My wonderful mother of course doesn't remember any of this being preoccupied with my alcoholic little sister (who I am not to call a slut). Mom likes to say she never gave up on M. what she doesn't realize is she forgot the rest of us. There is a long period of time where I don't have any memory of my family at all and there are few if any pictures of me from this time and I mean years.

Well after dozens of tests and seeing multiple Dr.s I am no closer to a diagnosis, 3 percent of ER visits present with Syncope issues every year and of that over 30 percent have recurrent issues, now I don't feel like looking this up so don't quote my numbers but they are close. and of that 30 percent some never find out what is wrong with them.

I still can have multiple events a day and never go for more than 2 days without having one.

I don't have much left to me I can't drive I can't work, all the things that I enjoyed and defined who I was are gone. Still though I am Father Husband and Friend so reach out if you need a hand I will be there just try to catch me when I fall.

No comments:

Post a Comment