Wednesday, June 29, 2011


So, went See my Personal Doctor yesterday he seems much more frustrated than I am, well I get to live with it. He really seemed to love the fact that the neurologist and the seizure specialist just wrote me off and washed their hands of me.
When you have an undiagnosed syncope issue (passing out) you get used to that kind of treatment. You go to the ER scared to death and they say ah it's just syncope and send you on your merry way. Well five months later with no work, driving, or any activity in which you can possibly hurt yourself and daily blackouts that feel like you are dying I guess you just get used to living with it.

Talking about living the 4th of July weekend is coming up and I used to be a pyrotechnician and special effects guy so needless to say depression will set in in the next week and I won't be very fun to be around. Smelling like hell and being covered in black powder grease and small burns was the best feeling I have ever had. even worse now that I have my arms fixed and can swing a hammer and such I can't work because of the freekin' syncope. NO BLACKING OUT ON THE FIRING LINE! oh well Maybe I'll sit in the house and comfort the dogs if any pyro is shot, in this years drought, at all.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Here's the Story......

I love my job, I was told I was born to do it. I got to lift heavy things which is good because I am "strong like ox" and got to do a lot of filing and had complete control over my days and what I did.

All that ended shortly after 8am on February 2 of 2011. I sat down in my office and checked in to work on my computer, when I began to hear a music box playing louder and louder I got confused, there was no music box. I felt my body stiffen my vision go and had no control as I threw my phone across the room. Coming to I began to tingle all over and became scared shitless. I have done a lot of scary dangerous things in my life and never felt like this before. I've clung to rocks at the end of a jetty while 15 foot waves crashed over head, been a pyrotechnician, got in bar fights for fun and jumped from moving cars. Nothing felt like what I was going through this morning. I think I called my wonderful boss Laura first and told her I needed to go to the ER and then called Diana my brilliant wife.

See here is where it all goes downhill I described what happened to the nurse, D,r whatever in the exam room and they all just looked exasperated like I was wasting their time and resources. They told me I had a syncope episode slapped me on the but and sent me on my way.

I went back to work a few days later and while driving to one of the facilities felt an attack coming on luckily I could pull over and get in the turn lane this time I completely blacked out and woke up with my right arm slamming into the passenger seat over and over uncontrollably.

Needless to say I have been out of work now for 4 months can't drive am not able to ride my bike or really even take walks as I can pass out and hurt myself.
I have sometimes as many a 6-7 episodes a day and if I go a few days without having an episode I become a monster and you better stay the fuck away from me.

This is just the newest problem though I have suffered since around 3rd grade with General Anxiety Disorder GAD best described as having that feeling you get when a cop turns on his lights and siren behind you and your stomach drops to your ass for no particular reason.

Panic attacks were a considerable part of my life and ruined my ability to be a good student and destroyed much of my life as a person. With GAD often comes Agoraphobia and I didn't like people anyway so I guess that was OK.

Parents and schools didn't understand this and just let me suffer, you are smarter than this we know you can do it BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.

Well anyway the panic attacks are few and far between but much worse when they do happen thanks to medication.

My parents got a divorce after somewhere around 50 years or so, who knows if they were ever even married and I got my dad who was a bilateral amputee due to diabetes. Of course he had cheated on my mom the whole time they were married and pretty much lied about everything. We found out way more than we should have about him after he died.

I went in to wake him up one morning after he had lived with us for 4 years or so and he was dead, I will never forget the contorted face that greeted me when we turned him over.

I thought I was doing fine then it all started; go to work come home take 2-3 Valium swallowed down with three fingers of scotch and pass out until I had to work again, rinse, and repeat. After months of this I was done I could not see going any further so I tried to have myself committed, they wouldn't take me (there ego take that) so home I went and took a few weeks off of work with the promise of seeing my doctor and a Psych eval. with enough meds and counselling I came through that mess and got better.

Somewhere through these times after, before, during, I had some surgeries to fix my nearly useless arms bi-lateral ulnar nerve entrapment releases and carpal tunnel releases.
Nobody seems to understand the whole I have no idea of time over the past few years and could not tell you when things happened.

My childhood was filled with pain as well I suffered from Severs(sp) Disease and spent time on crutches and could do nothing but walk flat footed from 4th grade through high school. My wonderful mother of course doesn't remember any of this being preoccupied with my alcoholic little sister (who I am not to call a slut). Mom likes to say she never gave up on M. what she doesn't realize is she forgot the rest of us. There is a long period of time where I don't have any memory of my family at all and there are few if any pictures of me from this time and I mean years.

Well after dozens of tests and seeing multiple Dr.s I am no closer to a diagnosis, 3 percent of ER visits present with Syncope issues every year and of that over 30 percent have recurrent issues, now I don't feel like looking this up so don't quote my numbers but they are close. and of that 30 percent some never find out what is wrong with them.

I still can have multiple events a day and never go for more than 2 days without having one.

I don't have much left to me I can't drive I can't work, all the things that I enjoyed and defined who I was are gone. Still though I am Father Husband and Friend so reach out if you need a hand I will be there just try to catch me when I fall.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Big Joe

Big Joe wasn't really big, not plump and not really tall, but he was bigger than Little Joe. Little Joe is Big Joe's dad, he's almost midget short and built like a stick pin. This morning Big Joe is out looking for work, any work he'll cook, he'll clean, he'll even lug scrap on his back, anything to help Little Joe pay the bills. At sixteen Big Joe gave up looking for jobs in the usual way, see no one was hiring so he just started ringing doorbells looking for odd jobs.

Big Joe has had a terrible morning he'd been yelled at, cursed, thrown, off properties, and chased by a very angry young shepherd who had barely enough work left for himself.
At the last house Big Joe had approached he was greeted by a sweet old lady who sicked her fat old chihuahua on him luckily Big Joe was a fast runner.

Being the end of the day Big Joe wasn't very eager to try another house, until he came upon a very pretty young mommy type washing her minivan in nothing more than a bikini top and the shortest of shorts. Big Joe was very shy being raised as he was, by Little Joe who had only kissed one girl in his entire life, his wife Medium Kathy. Still Big Joe girded what little loins he had and walked up to the lady and asked if she could use some help hoping for a little money afterwards.
The lady stopped sudsing the van and asked Big Joe if he could reach the top of the van and get that clean. He replied, "sure mam I am sure I could reach up there", then grabbed a sponge.

When they had finished and the minivan was all hosed off the lady invited Big Joe into her house telling him she was sure he was thirsty and that, "I have something for you inside."
Big Joe finished cleaning up the towels and sponges and put the buckets up by the house, then followed the lady inside. Once inside he found the lady with a glass of lemonade in one hand and without a lick of clothes on. This made Big Joe very angry for he had worked hard and seeing she had no pockets, knew for sure she had no money for him so he yelled, "thanks for nothing lady!" and ran out the door and all the way home.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

LGBTS Community Values

My greatest wish is for the LGBT and straight community to combine under the mutually supportive banner of the LGBTS community.

As a straight man who has always been close to the LGBT community I have lent support and advice to young men and woman struggling with their sexuality. I feel it is important for these young people to understand that there are a great number of us out here who are willing to lend a hand and reach out in friendship.

I grew up very close to gay friends. I have taught my children the importance of tolerance and love without thought to others differences while still celebrating the fact that we are all different.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

SouthPark TMI and thye Talk

I like to think of myself as a pretty darn good father I am involved, understanding, and tolerant if not patient. Maybe just maybe Southpark wasn't the best tool to use to give the talk to my ten year old but oh well.

The episode is called TMI and the kids mistake a chart on their growth in height for the last year for a chart on their penis size. So Sir Eric Cartman takes it upon himself to remeasure every boy in class, this of course sets the adults of this small yet socially important community on the offensive.

Just an Aside but one of the main reasons I grew my pirate beard is so I no longer resemble either the Pringles guy nor every adult male on Southpark.

Anywho, I was watching the show with my ten year old which i feel fine since we can discuss what is going on, when one of the fathers comes in front of the kids class to teach the kids about measurement,including a chart and talk about penis length. A little girl in the fourth grade class questions, "What's a penis?" and he answers a man puts his penis in a women's vagina SCREEEEEEEE!
the Earth stops turning on its axis all sound retreats into a black hole of ten year old curiosity.

With not a frightened,and not quite a grossed out but more of a concerned and devastated look Spencer my ten year old said, "that's where you put it?!" I guess penii are so important and ten year olds are so penis-centric that he couldn't possibly think it would be used in such a cootie filled way. Anyway I said, " I don't know ask your mom.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Moving on

I have moved on to twitter and realized I have a blog here so I should use it.

I am going to try to tell this damn story, however I cannot see how to possibly relate how freekin' funny it was.

Yesterday Lucas my 14 yr old son and I were watching television and playing with our one year old boxer/lab mix when I decided he needed a bit of a mani-pedi. The dog not Lucas. So I grabbed the clippers and started massaging his paws and clipping at mine in order to make Max more comfortable. We have had an issue with this little guy he doesn't like clippers and turns quickly from Mogwy to Gremlin when the clippers come out. I valiantly and if I must say very ninja like snuck in and got one claw clipped without him noticing, this earned me one of those angry sideways doggie looks that let's you know you are to stop what you are doing immediately. So I strove on never one to take direction especially from a 45 pound dog. "Luke lay on Max and hold his head so I can get his claws." I said innocently enough thinking my strong little man would be able to handle the situation.
WRONG Lucas straddles max covering the dog with his entire body and grabs his head so I could get to his claws I take the clippers and approach Max's front passenger side paw and begin to clip. In a flash and I mean faster than a flash and even faster than that. Max slips out from under Lucas leaving him face down on the bed and takes a seat up on his ass like an Egyptian Pharoah. I mean this dog made that boy his bitch it was all over no clipping just father and son sputtering and choking with tears running down their eyes as they laughed. I know I blacked out twice from the laughter and can barely hold it back now. The look on that little dogs face of complete dominance and pride could send armies into retreat and scare carnival clowns into giving up their identities as child molesters.