Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Continuing Saga Of Jack Christ Messiah In Waiting

Episode 15 The Spanish Mission

mi padre es el Espíritu Santo
my father is the holy ghost
mi padre es el Espíritu Santo
my father is the holy ghost
mi padre es el Espíritu Santo
my father is the holy ghost

Jack sat in the back of the bus listening to The new Spanish language CD He Picked up on clearance at CVS, the one with the chubby kid behind the photo counter, not the Gay CVS downtown.

"MI PADRE ES EL ESPIRITU SANTO", "MI PADRE ES EL ESPIRITU SANTO", Jack bellowed out to his the strangely side-leering fellow passengers.

mi hermano habla demasiado
my brother talks too much
mi hermano habla demasiado
my brother talks too much
mi hermano habla demasiado
my brother talks too much

Not being a stranger to side ways glances Jack caught on quickly and quietly repeated, " mi hermano habla demisiado".

The bus lurched to a halt with a screeching of tires and a throwing about of young mothers, teenagers, drunkards, and a selection of the less vehiclized of the cities denizens.

Climbing from the bus the portly, badly groomed, and rather pungent driver ran past the screaming and until recently stroller-pushing mother, dropped down onto his curvy belly to investigate the badly twisted umbrella stroller caught up under the front of his bus and scratched his head. No baby!

The screaming mother stood staring at the plumber's crack of the driver and sobbing gushed,
" Where the hell is my baby".
With no sign of the baby beneath the bus the driver got up and started looking around to see if the child had been thrown clear or was dangling from the front of his bus.
"How the hell should I know I just drive the bus, I don't watch for flying babies", the bus driver scratching his head walked to the sidewalk and flopped down onto the curb with a loud "humph"
"Well you'd better damned well find him!" the child's mother screamed as the police sirens began to close in on the increasingly strange accident.

Jack holding a small wiggling bundle got up from his seat and walked to the front of the bus and down the steps, handing the child to his mother he repeated, "Mi padre me entregó el bebé. then went on about his business, still listening to his CD.

Hungry, always hungry since his Padre sent him down into this gooey, hairy body Frank was always hungry and a little sad, so off to look for food he went. Turning the corner Frank saw just exactly what he had been looking for walked in the door up to the counter and repeated "Dos tacos blandos y Mountain Dew, por favor."

His mission complete Jack sat down to eat his tacos and smiled sweetly at an old couple not long for this Earth.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

10 Easy, cheap, and manly things you can do to make the life of your chronically ill guy friend a bit better.

First of all we are guys and don’t seem to want your help, can’t ask for it and wouldn’t know how to if we did, but we do need it, just look at us.
Just like the girls we don’t need a lot of money spent on us and would probably only feel guilty if you did, after all we are or were the breadwinners. Christine at BYDLS wrote about being thoughtful, we’re guys we don’t do thoughtful; at least not in public still help and company are appreciated.
Being a guy and being chronically ill is a double whammy, when asking for help it’s hard for us to inconvenience you and even harder for us to look like we need help.
I stole this next part from Christine Miserandino at just copied it and outright stole it thanks Christine you are an inspiration to us all.
The hardest thing about chronic disease is that it is chronic. I had a friend who had a really bad flu and she received flowers that very week. With me – since I am sick all the time… I get nothing. Am I any less sick, sad, frustrated, lonely, or bored. NO, I need your love and support now more than ever. When everyone else forgets that I am still in this struggle with my illness….. please remember. It didn’t go away, I didn’t forget. I need you to be my friend.
So like they say at Nike:

Just Do It!

So here is my list enjoy and add to it in the comment section.

1. Come spend time with us you don’t have to do anything just sit there, we are guys we don’t need to talk about “It” or anything else for that matter if we want to we will, otherwise just be with us.

2. Take us somewhere not something big just to Lunch some of us can no longer drive and are prisoners in our own homes. You know us, you know our restrictions so maybe rock climbing is out of the questions but all you can eat wings at Wings R Us would be awesome.

3. We had big plans to fix the drippy faucet or repaint that wall covered with dark blue paint and can’t do these things anymore so come over and Sneaky Pete help us to do it. Remember we are fragile beasts and have to think we are still capable of doing things so at least let us think we are. Oh and don’t just show up with the supplies and expect to get to work we will let that unintended insult fester. Hint: we must shop for our own supplies at the Hardware Store.

4. We already have the gadgets surprise us with a season of one of our favorite series or movies, software, etc.

5. E-Gift Cards to I-store (blech) or Amazon Digital our gadgets need filling this is where we do it.

6. Guys don’t do Sudoku we do math problems and Crosswords keep that in mind and pick us up some Puzzle books, we don’t have the attention span for the ones with one kind of puzzle so get the mixed ones. We like our puzzle books like we like our nuts easy to chew mixed and with the answers at the back.

7. Magazines don’t let us fool you most of us don’t give a darn about car magazines we look at them to look cool in waiting rooms, secretly we would appreciate People, US Weekly, or other pop culture mags.

8. Lotion, lotion, lotion, this is one of those things we don’t get for ourselves and to tell you the truth most of us will go around looking like a lizard before we even think to moisturize. As a guy buying lotion has a certain connotation, so going to the store to pick it up can be embarrassing.

9. FOOD not the hospital stuff, but real good American junk food, even just an order of McDonald’s fries will make us swoon, especially if we have been inpatient for awhile. Check with our doctor and the hospital to make sure this fits in to their dietary plan then ignores it and get us some fries.

10. Just ask, we are not likely to ask for any kind of help be it physical or psychological so just ask if we need anything we are likely to say no but ask anyway.
You Never Know