Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Continuing Saga Of Jack Christ Messiah in Waiting

Patrolling the mall was becoming increasingly tedious for Jack, "I think I need a pretzel." Jack thought out loud. Winding his way through the mass of barely savable teens Jack forced himself to concentrate on the one thing that would make his day at least a little worth the earlier minor suffering he had endured in the name of that young goth chick. "Ow Crap watch where you're going!" was screeched into his face in a cloud of bourbon chicken by a middle-aged blondish chick with hips that stretched her yoga pants to near bursting. Standing in line at Auntie Salty's with growing impatience he noticed an old couple slowly strolling past the food court. Watching the couple closely he could feel the love and kinship they still felt after what must have been decades of courtship within their long marriage. The warmth radiating from the couple filled his heart if not his stomach and he followed them uncontrollably as they wandered through the long gleaming tiled walk of the mall.
They stopped in the middle of the alley and faced each other the woman looking into her longtime lover's eyes and said, "Mart dammit, excuse yourself you fat pig show some freekin' restraint." Mart turned toward her and stammered under his breath, "blow me bitch!" as they walked on not looking toward each other.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Frozen Iguanas

It seems that due to our recent cold snap we have an awfully fun new way to sicken dogs:
frozen iguanas.

Step 1
Drop the temperature to around nipple freezing, which coincides with iguana freezing temperatures quite nicely for our purposes.

Step 2
Wait around until your iguana freezes.

Step 3
Lovingly allow your cute little doggy-woogums to frolic in the browning outdoors amongst the intolerant tropical style plants until it comes upon an iguanasicle.

Step 4
Doggy-woogums chews on the iguanapop gets sickened and if not treated quickly can become paralyzed, which kinda sucks when you are a dog.

Ain't Florida just the funnest place!

Who Loves You,