Good morning class today we will talk about the evolution of the gelatinous tree fungi of Southeast Asia, or to put it more precisely yesterday was great until it sucked!
Anywho Yesterday started out great was having a fun day playing on Twitter, Twitter has the best Angry Birds, and everything was going great. I even called my mom and chatted. I know, it's like I was drugged and dragged off and replaced with myself from ten years ago. That was when everything changed! On Tuesday for no good reason I went to see a pulmonologist one of my favorite doctors ever Dr. Wahba Wahba. Being a Pulmonoligist he treated my syncope like a pulmonologist would. Stating you only cough for two reasons (what the fuck?), he prescribed me something for heartburn which I don't have and THE DEVIL Advair. An inhaler that looks like you are sucking on a pack of birth control pills really gave me a great feeling of security as to its efficacy. I had had two bad days already on the pill and was feeling the effects of a steroid while feeling as though this was not helping my breathing at all, yet I sucked on.
Suck on young man go into this brave new world sucking on a lavender disk and bravely fight the servants of evil.
I worked out a little in the morning had a nice healthy salad and settled in to watch the rest of ROOTS with the Commentary on. Slowly I could start feeling it happen I began to get hot and started to feel the dizzies coming on. WHAM! small cough and out I went full blown syncope came to feeling the worst ever, shaking, that dead feeling all over, and the feeling as though I had hit my funny bone over my entire body. Not only was this the worst post syncope ever it lasted the longest.
Silly me I thought this would be a good time to call my doctor and report this new found hell to him. That's when I start crying and I don't mean a tear of sadness and woe swept down my cheek to come to rest below my nose as though Bambi's mother had just died, this was full on what the fuck they cancelled Sports Night Crying. I mean uncontrollable unconcievable mind numbimg sobbing, and the best part I didn't fell any reason to cry. It was like a switch was flipped
By the time we pulled up to the ER I had started to feel a bit better but still felt weak on the left side walked in and said I think I had a stroke. That is when they push a clipboard and pen at you and say, "fill this out, while shoving the leg rests of a wheelchair at your calve muscles without warning and order you to, "sit down". Now it's abouut 45 minutes of waiting followed by taking my name symptoms insurance proof blah blah blah blah. Back out into the waiting area I go to sit amongst the half bind drunk hobo and the Krumps with their new baby Foghorn Sirencall Washington wailing like a sheepdog in a testicle screw. Yay, I hear my name and get shoved down the hall in the wheelchair that definately is in need of a throwing out, and brought into an exam room. Treat time Nurse I Spilled a Jug of Urine Allover Myself in the First Five Minutes of My Shift and Everyone Shall Hear Of It, (long name she must be Swahili they are white right?) came into the room and starts hooking my up to IVs, BP cuff, finger dolphin pulse oxi thingee, and sticky ekg leads. Yay more glue the patchy chest hair had finally grown back. Doctor Mohammed walks in yells at me for not having my story straight, sorry I am a little confused isn't this Sizzler where's my freekin' steak. and after finally being annoyed by me enough wanders off mumbling something about coffee. Four hours and one CT scan later he comes back mutters something about my CT looking the same as the last one and wanders out. OK now what wait around until I die or find a nurse to pee on. I chose wait and in comes the billing chick while I am still hooked up to shit, "your co-pay is 75 dollars and how will you be paying for that today?" Diana pipes up all perky, "bill us!", and off Billy the Kid goes.
I should know better when you are an unexplained syncope sufferer everyone likes to treat you like you are in the way and crazy, and every doctor has the same story, "I know what your problem is, I saw it once in a patient when I was studying to be a doctor/plumber/lumberjack in Tikreet/Mumbai/Garden City, just take this, antacid/decongestant/Phillipino black market birth control pill, and it will go away." Uh, no thanks doc I think you're wrong and that is not the problem. They just love hearing things like that and a little added it's above your paygrade makes them wander of stuttering in tongues.